Dear Me,

Here’s what I’ve been thinking:

I know you want time to pass and I know you can feel yourself leaving this purgatory between absolute feeling (the most magnificent feeling in every world) and numbness in order to escape to the latter in the hope time will pass faster.

But here’s the thing, you want time to pass faster right? Why? So that you may or may not go to university (at the very least flee this fucking place).

But then if you go numb you are potentially damaging the few relationships you actually give any value to.

And I know you’re used to thinking “well I just don’t care” but this one particular relationship you have is the whole reason your ceasing of time is no longer an option.

So if you sacrifice that, which we both know you don’t want to anyway because she is very beautiful and adorable and just, well, perfect in every dimension of the term, do you not also completely sacrifice that whole purpose?

So if you even remotely jeopardise that relationship, especially intentionally (which I know it’s not intentional, but you have this knowledge now, so to totally disregard it and continue down the wrong path is, as far as I’m concerned, intentional), means that you are also inevitably putting your own life at risk.

Life is going to come - and one day end (although I think we both refute this since who says I’m going to die, just because everyone else has?), so you simply need to wait. I know it hurts and all but I need you to listen to me whilst you’re rational like this.

So don’t go numb. Just keep searching for jobs, you’ll get one eventually, accept this is how it is, earn some money, do some work, pass some exams, expand that social circle. Initiate some friendships that you’ve been keeping distant. Save some money. Covet the future, but do not steal it when it is not yet yours.

I can feel you’re starting to lose it again a little now but just listen to me when I say that you are going to be rational again soon, even if it’s just a little burst like this. You and I, we’re going to be okay and know that I’m always here like air above ocean. The air is there and I know the current’s pushing you way, way down, but just kick your legs and hold your breath, open your eyes and see that it is not all black even though the water stings and your vision blurrs. You’re going to return to me soon enough, I’m not going anywhere and, however crazy you might feel, I will not let you hurt yourself. I can’t make this any easier, but I promise you that. I will not let you sink further than you can swim.

Try and focus and most importantly, relax.

From Alana